“Mom, what superpower would you want to have?” was the question my 20-year old son asked me as we were watching the new Xmen movie. He was visiting me for the first time at my new home, having recently moved in with my boyfriend. It was a great afternoon with him. His expressions of happiness for me really reassured me that he is on a good path. The compassion and kindness that he showed at a very young age still ringing true in his newly formed adult heart. Having recently moved himself, discovering his personal freedom, boundaries, desires and limits, both still adjusting to home life without the other. His response to my answer also reassured me. I answered, “I guess telepathy because I could make everyone want peace and end war.” He replied that he would do this too, which made my heart sing, that my son cares and wants this for the world too. He of course added, “I would make people give me a lot of money too”, but I know he wouldn’t take all the money just some. He would share.
This wasn’t the first time my son had asked me this question, but it had been a long time, maybe a few years ago when he was more curious about life than engaged in it. So many things came full circle for our relationship that day. As I was showing him around the new digs, he looked out into the backyard from the master bedroom. The next thing he said really surprised me and made me fill with joy. “Can I bring my kids here someday?” “I really hope you do”, couldn’t come out of my mouth fast enough. My son had never said anything like this to me before this moment. Granted he does not want to be a father for a while, but the possibility of grandchildren is extremely exciting to me. My big take away from his question, though, was that he likes the new place and feels comfortable, happy and proud here. This seemed more true a little bit later, when he crashed out on the couch almost immediately after sitting down to watch the movie. No worries, you rest son. We can watch the movie later. As I peeked in on him later, I relished the vision of him asleep in a space I provided. Something that as parents we are obligated, driven and designed to do, but eventually gets removed from our lists of responsibilities. I swear it is the little things that get bigger every day. Is it not those things we ache for at the end of it all?
Nobody told me that empty nest would feel like grieving a death,
But it makes sense to me now that it would feel like this. When my son left that night, fear and sadness swept over me, and I cried for about a half hour. My lack of control in his life is one of the scariest realities I have come to accept. Chanting for his protection while he drove home on the highway that rainy night eased the fear, and even though this sadness was a new acquaintance of mine, it hug my heart so hard it was a struggle to breathe. My boyfriend didn’t quite understand my pain, because I had just spent a great time with him. However, his leaving freshened the memory of a boy forever gone.
Lately, a specific moment in time has been replaying itself in my visual memory. My son is rocking and singing in his car seat, on the way home from the aquarium. He is about two, center position in the back seat of our powder blue Volvo wagon, his bangs a little long, graham cracker in hand and lips pursed while trying to hold a note from a Sarah McLachlan song. Boy, did we love that tape of hers, Surfacing. It came out in 1997 which was the year he was born. Our favorite song was Sweet Surrender. He called it the Fire song because the intro has these cool synthesizer sounds that translated into siren sounds for him, and he consistently requested it! It’s funny how the name of that song is exactly what I need to practice right now. I think this image has been coming to me because it perfectly encapsulates the feeling I can no longer reach, the feeling that I can keep him safe and happy. But that is for me to surrender to the universe now. It was always an illusion anyway, so why not let it go?
One thing that does bring some relief from the worry though, is to envision his car surrounded by a force field as he drives down the highway, any other vehicle being deflected away to prevent a collision. I visualize this as I chant which might seem silly to some, but it makes me feel better so what’s the harm? My brave and beautiful Aunt died in a car accident on the highway when she was a young woman. I was raised with this painful echo as a possible reality in life, and the emotional vibration helped to form everyone in our family. Also, I do believe in the power of visualization. Recently, I was introduced to a scientific theory that I find quite intriguing. The theory is morphic resonance, and I first heard it in a Marie TV interview with Dr. Kelly Brogan. They are discussing depression, and Dr. Brogan refers to morphic resonance and gives the example that if we sit and inhabit what we want to create (a vital body for example), then it’s more likely to happen. She also suggests there is power in believing in the possibility of something you can’t even envision for yourself. I concur 100%!
Morphic resonance was presented to the world by Rupert Sheldrake in 1981 in his book, New Science of Life and is defined by him as: “a process whereby self-organizing systems (molecules, crystals, cells, plants and animals) inherit a memory from previous similar systems. In its most general formulation, morphic resonance means that the so-called laws of nature are more like habits. The hypothesis of morphic resonance also leads to a radically new interpretation of memory storage in the brain and of biological inheritance. Memory need not be stored in material traces inside brains, which are more like TV receivers than video recorders, tuning into influences from the past. And biological inheritance need not all be coded in the genes, or in epigenetic modifications of the genes; much of it depends on morphic resonance from previous members of the species. Thus each individual inherits a collective memory from past members of the species, and also contributes to the collective memory, affecting other members of the species in the future.”
This kind of blows my mind a little bit! Morphic resonance does not fit into modern science which is based on the assumption (some might say fact) that the laws of nature are fixed. Sheldrake’s hypothesis implies that laws are human systems and therefore evolutionary and more like habits than fixed outcomes. Sheldrake states that there is even an interplay between these habits and creativity, and that memories can pass across both space and time from the past. So, if parents have survived/are surviving the sadness of empty nest, then maybe I can siphon off some of that collective strength in the form of faith and freedom?
My goal is to tap into the collective memory of letting go, healing, transformation and new beginnings!
Even if this theory is never proven true, I take some delight in the possibility, and therefore there is some power in it for me. As I get older, I realize that understanding and proving everything is over-rated. The real catalyst for my happiness is in acceptance, surrender, trust and dreaming (perhaps a way of tapping into the power of morphic resonance and the collective memory when you are asleep and engaging the brain’s imaginative power while daydreaming?). Sheldrake also argues that telepathy and other paranormal phenomena (psi) should be more seriously considered by the scientific establishment.
You can learn more about morphic resonance and Rupert Sheldrake at: http://www.sheldrake.org/research/morphic-resonance
This brings me back to my desired superpower, telepathy.
Even though I can’t say I have knowingly and willingly used telepathy to communicate, there have been many times in my life when there was real communication happening without spoken and written words. A week after my son’s first visit, I had a dream that we were living together again, and he couldn’t drive anywhere for a couple of days because he had lost his keys. Well, that same morning (Saturday) he texted me, sharing with me that he had lost his wallet at the gym the night before, leaving him temporarily without a driver’s license. This meant of course that he couldn’t drive anywhere for a couple of days until the DMV opened up on Monday. To be honest, I loved the fact that he was off the highway and laying low for a while.
I have experienced this kind of thing so often before to prevent dismissal of any universal connection behind it. I do think that we only have these kind of connections with some people, fortunately not everyone in our lives (that would be overwhelming). For example, I have always been deeply moved by Maya Angelou, but only being exposed to her in small amounts (online interviews and Oprah), never having read one of her books. Well the night she passed, I had a dream about her, not knowing she had died and never having dreamt about her before. I don’t remember what she said to me in the dream, but I remember what it felt like: kindness, wisdom and love. Which is funny because one of her famous quotes is, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When I awoke that morning and checked the internet, learning of her passing pierced my heart in a mystical way. At that point, I knew she was one of my mentors and opened myself to letting her words enter my life in some profound and still unknown influence. Just last month, I rather compulsively bought I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I started reading it this week (mainly to learn how she used words for healing) and was a little shocked but not really surprised by the second page. I’m not ready to talk about how and why, but I found an answer on that page to a current creative pondering of mine that desperately needed clarity. Again, I feel gratitude to this woman who continues to give us so much. This is why I write, to give and hopefully help heal with my words. I’m pretty sure she helped me write this! Maya was the real deal, a foremost example of Turning Mistakes Into Gold. By the way, I just found out that this week marks the 3rd anniversary of her passing. The world gained a wonderful angel when we lost this woman.
Shifting from the spiritual realm back to science:
Perhaps these are examples of quantum entanglement which Wikipedia explains as: it thus appears that one particle of an entangled pair “knows” what measurement has been performed on the other, and with what outcome, even though there is no known means for such information to be communicated between the particles, which at the time of measurement may be separated by arbitrarily large distances. If this is true for particles (and you can leave measurement open to interpretation), couldn’t it be true for us?
However, given all the human time and energy spent on science, which I consider essential to our lives (as a former wildlife biologist), it makes me question does it really makes us happier? I just reread Deepak Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. The sixth law of success is the Law of Detachment, “In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty, in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning. And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.” I absolutely love the point he is making, but I must admit I struggle to grasp the amazing potential of it. The wisdom of uncertainty would have us give faith in the uncertainty of laws (including the Law of Detachment), which would fit into Sheldrake’s theory of laws being able to evolve over time. This leaves so much open to interpretation, and I find that very empowering and liberating as a creative type who loves science! What if we personally spent some of the energy we put into understanding and creating facts, rules, categories and laws so that we feel more safe and secure (which can never be guaranteed) and put it into believing and exploring all the different possibilities? Just think about it for a moment, what if? If you are a skeptic or cup half empty person, try ending that question with something you really want for the world but don’t think is possible. This is a great exercise for building your positivity muscle, and the world really needs more of this! Here is one of mine,
What if everyone on the planet experienced a personal healing of some kind?
I recently had the honor of seeing Carolyn Myss at a local university. The seminar was titled: “A Talk on Healing as a Mystic Science”. One of the things she said that really burned into my brain was, “What if we believed that healing can be instantaneous?” She posed this question while discussing miraculous healings at seminars she had led in the past, not even aware that she could heal people when it started happening. She believed it was possible though, and perhaps her belief enabled it to occur for others? This possibility makes sense to me when I look at it through my Buddhist microscope and my belief in the simultaneity of cause and effect (http://www.sgi.org/about-us/buddhism-in-daily-life/simultaneity-cause-effect.html), with causes being thoughts, words and actions. Adding the theory of morphic resonance to the mix would support that not only can karma be instant but also retroactive, with causes from the collective memory influencing our present lives. Current discoveries about how time works make this even more conceivable. I personally think our causes (thoughts, actions and words) act like a pebble dropping in a pond, the impact rippling out in all directions of time and space and influencing everything. Yes, I really do think we are this powerful!
On a sad note, Chris Cornell passed away last week. I saw him and Soundgarden perform 20 years ago right near where I live now. I was five months pregnant with my boy, and it was about the same time I started to feel him move around inside me. The first time I felt him move was during a lunar eclipse which inspired me to give him the middle name of Moon. I figured if he ever wanted to be a Rockstar like Chris, that he would have a good name for the job. Just as Maya Angelou left us her heart and soul in the form of words, so did Chris Cornell. He suffered from depression and took his own life, and I think it is easy to judge him for that. I choose not to though, because I believe depression is an illness of the mind just like cancer is an illness of the body, and we need to have compassion for people suffering from it. My personal belief is that many people that suffer from depression are very sensitive and empathic people, feeling more than most people are able to feel. The benefits of this are: creativity, compassion and connection, but the costs can be too much: depression, addiction, despair and even suicide. I have had my own struggle with depression, hurting so bad that the idea of being dead seemed like a solution. However, I have never added action to these thoughts. It is probably a very fine line that some people walk in this territory. To Chris I want to say, thank you for turning pain into words and music so that others could feel connected and understand their own pain better. May your spirit be free and bright now! Those of you not familiar with his work might want to check out this video, one of my favorite projects of his: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUb450Alpps
There is one more story I have to share with you. A couple of days ago, I came across an alligator lizard inside our shop. My boyfriend was unloading stuff from my pick-up, and his path was within a foot of this little guy. Not to mention, the three dogs were running around as usual. After taking a second to register what was at my feet, I scooped him up in my hands, also realizing that his tail had been freshly severed somehow. He squirmed for a tiny bit, and then I felt him relax in my hands (surrendering you could say). I walked to the back corner of our yard and searched for a good hiding spot for him, gently tucking him under some wood. He then cocked his little head and looked up at me, as if thanking me with this gesture. I have always loved lizards, seeing and feeling an ancient and sweet wisdom in their eyes.
Imagine the collective memory of the earth that might be contained in animals with such a long history of genetics and evolution?
My boyfriend informed me that of the 10 years he has lived here, he has never seen a lizard. This made me question the significance of this injured animal presenting itself to me. That same night, a deep sadness hit me while trying to fall asleep. I was really missing my boy. Night time is when it hits me, the activities of the day no longer there to distract me from his absence. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks (I know that doesn’t seem like a long time to some of you), and that night I could not stop crying. Fortunately, this only happens about once a month now. It is slowly getting easier. The next morning, I made the connection between my pain and the lizard’s pain. Even though lizards can regrow their tails, this ability being a predator defense (you can have my tail while the rest of me escapes), it must still hurt really bad when it happens. This is very similar to empty nest sadness. As parents, we are designed and able to let go of our children, but it still can hurt really bad (even feeling like part of us has been removed). But if we surrender to the reality of the situation, just as the lizard did in my hands, we can create opportunities for other people to be there for us. We can regrow parts of ourselves by building new relationships and repairing old ones (especially with ourselves)!
As I mentioned in the beginning, several things have come full circle for me this month. Pictured below is a Lupine I planted last May. Please read Miss Rumphius Strikes Again! to get the back story on this pretty little thing. All I can say is the potential beauty in a flower seed never ceases to amaze me. I believe people have this potential as well!
I want to finish my ponderings with a thought for you. Maybe human connections are more profound, complex, mystical and healing than we will ever be able to understand, but that doesn’t mean we can’t benefit from the magic. Maybe the impact we have on others is more powerful than we can imagine? Just to play it safe, let’s pretend it does. A couple of weeks ago, I stopped at a rest area on the highway. While entering the bathroom, I passed a man with a sign asking for help. As I sat on the toilet, this question entered my mind, What if this is my last opportunity ever to help someone? Choice made, his gratitude opening my heart even more, easing some of my pain and hopefully his too. This is what healing looks like to me in my life. I encourage you to keep your hearts and minds open to this possibility, and maybe by doing so we can help to lift ourselves and others to a higher, more common ground.
“Sweet Surrender” by Sarah MacLachlan
“It doesn’t mean much, it doesn’t mean anything at all, the life I’ve left behind me, is a cold room. I’ve crossed the last line from where I can’t return, where every step I took in faith betrayed me and led me from my home. And sweet, sweet, surrender is all that I have to give. You take me in, no questions asked. You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me. Are you an angel, am I already that gone? I only hope that I won’t disappoint you when I’m down here on my knees.
And sweet, sweet, sweet surrender is all that I have to give. And I don’t understand by the touch of your hand, I would be the one to fall. I miss the little things, oh I miss everything. It doesn’t mean much. It doesn’t mean anything at all. The life I left behind me is a cold room.”
Brigitte, This is such a profound essay. Blows my mind. Thank you for sharing! Love you!